Loneliness in the Age of Self-Made Women: Why Hyper-Independence Is a Double-Edged Sword

“Women. They have minds, and they have souls, as well as just hearts. And they’ve got ambition. And they’ve got talent as well as just beauty. And I’m so sick of people saying that love is just all a woman is fit for. I’m so sick of it. But I’m so lonely.”

My sister and I do a very sibling-y activity of pointing out which character in the movie we’re watching represents each other. While going through my fifth rewatch of Little Women, she routinely pointed and said “That’s you.” The character on the screen was Jo March. Independent, strong-willed, lonely Jo March. 

Jo March represented qualities I yearned to have. A quick-witted aspiring writer who repels the prospect of marriage during a time when it was seen as an economic proposition. Her strong-willed tenacity granted her an icon but with her rejection of most companionship and support, she was extremely lonely.

Like Jo, my belief and yearning for freedom transformed into a trap of lonely isolation. The need to run errands alone, and complete every task without one ounce of assistance turns into a toxic entitlement towards proving yourself to be worth living. And with that crippling fear of being a liability in life, insert the trauma response that is hyper-independence. 

Hyper independence can be classified as a means of DIY-ing through life without requiring any assistance. 

The easiest way to describe this unruly trauma response is similar to running a marathon. You're pushing your limits to run at the fastest pace you can go and never stopping until you reach the finish line; except you’re competing with yourself and nobody else. There’s a certain je ne sais quoi about the appeal of being “self-made,” especially in America. Entrepreneurship runs rampant in today's society and those who put themselves through years of hard work on their own accord are praised as markers of “true” success. 

While girl-bossing your way to the top is rewarding in itself, in this modern age it almost seems expected. 

A large majority of the general population likely suffers from the urge to constantly be at the finish line alone with social media creating an entirely new wave of loneliness. Women especially are most likely to feel the urge to become hyper-independent amidst a landscape of stereotypes and societal expectations. This toxic mindset is especially prominent in our social media feeds 24/7. Just take a look at your TikTok right now. 

There’s an immediate influx of “must-have products” or advertisements filled with hair growth oils and various skincare essentials. Instead of unifying women with shared experiences, we’ve created an epidemic of unrealistic beauty standards, social ranking, and full-on insecurity. Or as I like to call it, a loneliness epidemic. With the rise of DIY careers in the face of podcasts, content creation, or turning your skincare routine into a brand, doing it yourself and being the very best is at an all-time high. 

Being hyper-independent can also get in the way of your romantic life, as it becomes an identity that you fear will be stripped away from you at the sight of a shared romantic glance. Innocent flirting in a bar feels like a commitment due to the fear of being carried bridal style from my ambitions. It may feel as though every social gathering and mindless social media swiping serves as a distraction from your “dreams.” One of the largest contributing factors to hyper-independence is social isolation and the inability to form meaningful connections. 

To cure this self-sabotaging cycle, it’s helpful to strike a balance between DIY-ing ‘till you drop and leaning on a friend for support from time to time. Both ends of the independent/dependent spectrum can turn toxic if it’s abused, so try unifying these two powerful forces. 

There will come a time when you break your arm and find yourself a bit more immobile than usual; let your neighbor carry your groceries for you as a kind gesture. And you will have an inevitable romantic or platonic breakup and need a shoulder to cry on (and an ice cream tub to cry into,) let your friends be the ones to do so.

Social conformity is a prison. But so is the unwillingness to drop our egos and indulge in exactly what we were put here to do: experience life in the form of human connection. Desiring romantic love and meaningful connections doesn’t make you a 1950s housewife, and chasing your dreams without prioritizing romance certainly doesn’t make you an anomaly. It makes you a human being, who finally has the power to choose, just like men have had the freedom to do for so long.